Guidance for Gobblers 101

As you trudge your way to Cyrus Drake's classroom you ask yourself three questions. 1. Why you have to do 'trust building' exercises with your classmates? Surely you don't need to really know each other. If you both just ignore each other, that should work out great! 2. What kind of stuff you'll be doing? You pray to Bartleby for no trust falls, or blindfolded walks through Kensington park. 3. Why the Headmaster made Cyrus Drake school counselor anyway?
As you file into the large, deceptively cheerful classroom, you join your other classmates in the banks of desks. Patiently you wait for Professor Drake to appear. No one talks, and the sense of impending doom weighs heavily on the room.
You are about to pull out your notebook and quietly practice stunning the purple-haired kid in front of you, who you remembered beat you at PvP last week, but just then Professor Drake walks in. Sneering at no one in particular, but more the world at large, he settles himself behind his desk. With a smug expression on his face he begins, "You are all here, because you seem to require extra attention. You seek it constantly with your shenanigans, and now..." he paused for effect, "you have my full attention." There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone awaited their attention, but dared not seek it. "So today I am going to give you the advice of someone who is older, wiser, and cleverer than yourself." With a wave of his wand, writing began to appear on the blackboard. Success, Happiness, Joy: Stop being the baboons you are inside and pretend like you care!
Quickly you and all of your classmates scribble down the title in their notebooks.
"You will copy down the following for preparation for a practical examination in the following weeks of guidance," drawled Professor Drake. More words started appearing on the blackboard. Drake leaned back in his chair and began reading a giant spell book that looked hundreds of years old, as if it were the latest edition of Wizard Weekly.
1. Be nice to people, even if you don't like them because interacting with people is an unavoidable hazard of life. Get used to it. You grumble to yourself wondering why he couldn't practice a little of what he preaches.
2. Making people feel bad is only empowering temporarily. Just like the spell Empower, of the death school, by making yourself bigger (or your pips) in the long run you are damaging yourself, and you will end up feeling as slimy as humongofrog barf. You wish he could have used a different choice of words since you were skipping lunch break to keep this counseling appointment, and you're already feeling a bit queasy.
3. Careful what you say, because you never know who might be listening. I had a girlfriend once, and my brother kept -- you skip to the end of the paragraph, since you have no desire to hear about Professor Drake's personal life. -- and that how I ended up being bald. Just because my girlfriend heard something she was never meant to, and that had very little to do with her indeed. 
4. Don't eat massive amounts of garlic chicken and onions before entering a battle with other students. This is a fast way to lose your study group. Would he stop talking about food!
5. Keep in mind that while your studies at Ravenwood are important they are not the only thing that exists in the world. In fact there are many other noble callings. But get this punks, you drop out and you'll never get a job in the spiral, and you'll end up peddling phony potions on the corner of Digdown and Hydrant Way!  You feel that the described situation couldn't possibly be worse than what he had in store for you if you failed the practical. (Who gives an examination for counseling anyway?!)
And so young baboons students of the spiral. I hope you have with this session you have learned how to better interact with other students and members of the spiral. We will be meeting again soon. I expect you to practice the techniques provided here. If you are finished copying this message. LEAVE. And don't slam the spiral door on your way out!
Without wasting another second  you scoop up your notebook, jam it into your backpack, and as if Malistare himself were after you, you sprint out of the class room.